Driven to Distraction (Revised) by Edward M Hallowell & John J Ratey

Author:Edward M Hallowell & John J Ratey [Hallowell, Edward M & Ratey, John J]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9780307743169
Publisher: Anchor Books
Published: 2011-09-13T04:00:00+00:00

Often in family negotiations parents switch back and forth between “hard” and “soft” negotiation. One day, or one moment, they will be setting strict limits and proposing severe punishments. The next day, or the next moment, they feel unhappy about their “hard” position and switch to a “soft” one, which also becomes ineffective. One day Tommy is being thrown out of the house, and the next day his mother may bake cookies for him in an effort to prop him up. In principled negotiation, as described by Fisher and Ury, the idea is neither to be soft nor hard but to negotiate on the merits, on the principles and issues, always looking for ways of finding mutual gain, and where interests conflict, reconciling them on the basis of some fair standard rather than strength of will or power.

For example, in Tommy’s case it was important to get past the power struggle between Tommy and his parents and into the problem of managing school performance. As long as the power struggle predominated, as long as the people were attached to the problem, to use Fisher and Ury’s terminology, the Big Struggle would go on. Once Tommy and his dad were able to meet amicably on some common ground, true negotiation could begin.

After Tommy’s family had worked out their plan, something happened that often happens in families with ADD. One member of the family tried to rekindle the struggle. Tommy had agreed to go over his homework every other day with a tutor. One night at dinner Tommy’s brother, Alex, decided to tease Tommy about having to see a tutor. “Tutors are for retards,” Alex said.

“Why don’t you go—” Tommy started.

“Wait a minute,” Mom interrupted. “Alex, why are you baiting your brother? Can’t you see he’s trying? Would you like me to make fun of you the next time Sharon McCall comes by?”

Alex blushed. Tommy laughed. For the time being, dinner proceeded without mayhem.

Quashing the Big Struggle takes work—work on a daily basis. Like weeds, it will come back if allowed to.

Here is a summary of some more of the principles of the management of ADD in families.

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